Y Tuesday, July 7, 2009
i Came To Understand.
just leave me alone.
its just me.
Y Monday, July 6, 2009
Why?
i could never forget the first time i ever met u. not to mention the times when we had fun among ourselves. till.. you left me.
yes it wasnt yr idea to, wasnt yr wish to (or was it?). no i never would have doubt you. never would have not trusted you. never would have a second opinion to whatever u said. and as long as u needed me, all u had to do was call. i was always there wanting and waiting for you to call out. but u chose to keep silent. and there was nothing i could do. there wasnt any help im able to render becos i simply knew nothing and what was going on..
i see you shrouded with your own confusion. i want to pull you out of it. but would u let me? i want to clear that uncertain mist around you. i dont want to see you feeling so lost, cos it really pains me to see you in this state. but i know its something that u're not going to open up anything soon.
you're strong girl.. but please tell me whats going on in your mind. whatever it is, if u ever need any help, just tell me. and please cheer up. cos u're probably my smile giver. and to see you sad would not be such a nice thing. cos when u smile, thats when happiness is at its peak.
smile alright..
i'll love you always..
its just me.
Y Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Hmm
much expected as i'd known. is it by human nature that we often do things even if we know that its pointless or hopeless?
i think we care too much abt trying to impress or leave a impression with others that we lose ourself in the midst of doing so. i'd probably gone insane reading the letter umpteen times.
i'd guess that was the only thing that occupy my head. or whatever is in it. throw a ball, toss it or fling it, i wont tell the diff. becos i'm all too busy to care abt what others do.
all i know now is, i'm sitting right infront of my com, wondering if i shld just imagine my past continuing.
and as the seconds tick away, i feel myself being pulled further and further away.
what had becos so close have become so distant.
what was within reach just turn to fog, like smoke, unable to grab and hold on tight.
its a human mind to make illusion/mirage or hallucinate things when we desire them so much. but part of ourselves know that its fake.
yet we continue to lie to ourself for fear of feeling hurt.
i guess i've to put up with the pain again.
being heartbroken is painful.
but we get used to it.
numb.
its just me.
Y
Memories
its increasingly hard to get through a day in NS. with the routine ever the same when the primarily objective is probably teken u. but still, i pulled through the days with my life as a civilian. i means those times when i smiled and was the happiest.
something has been weighing down on my mind since cupcake wrote the letter to me, and to even have it posted on the blog. just reading it brings tears. dont ask me how but its a reflex as science would call it. im not going too emotional but its been almost some time since i had this butterfly-in-stomach feeling. it took me one year to get over the pain of losing you. one year. i didn forget anything abt you. when i had time, i always wrote in my little black book. but i lost that book since.
sometime in my life, memories of you simply flood into my mind. for that past year, it was hard to focus studying when iu played such important role in my life. it was just me either doodling your name on my doremon pencil box, writing your name and connecting them together like word play or just gazing blankly into the air wondering what life would be like if u were still with me. but that year, it just occurred to me that u had put your foot down to resolved yourself to studying and netball. the world continued with its pace, including u. but i stopped dead in my tracks. becos i knew, i was suffocating.
but i didn care. half of me just wanted to give up. the other half wants to fight on. but i was mentally drain by then. that was when staring at walls, not looking at people in the eye was the best thing to do. becos if u actually look at my eyes in the past year, u would know the pain, sadness and sorrow that i have bottled inside me. i still dont look at people in the eyes till today. becos there's a part of me still filled with regret.
sometimes the only thing u can do with regret is just to tell yourself never to let it happen again. but mostly, u want to blame the regret to someone else. it was painful to have u leaving me. but on hindsight, i learned that being too over-concerned, sensitive, or being a GPS is not an ideal thing to be. it leaves your soulmate/frens tighten around your belt.
and that was when closing to Christmas last year, i finally loosen the belt. i knew it was time for u to go. becos keeping u here with me, fills me with pain even when u already have released yourself from bondage. all i can say is, i never expected that letter, or u ever writing it. i dont expected a apology or anything.
all i just remember was when u called and u told me 'ich lieben dich' to me over the phone. impulsive i would guess. but i soon learn the real meaning. even this blog add is the same word.
ich lieben dich forever.
i said it.
and i meant it.
i kept it with me.
cos i had always remember.
what forever means.
always.
its just me.
Y Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Reply
Dear Cupcake,
thanks for the letter u wrote to me. red is fine, just that its hard to read while walking. haha. anw, im honored to have u writing to me at the least expected moments. =D thanks!
yes i remember the first time i met u. blue overall, and i wore beige pants and yellow long sleeve folded to my elbows. was speaking to uncle winston too. =D
yes i remember the first time i went to the NDP with u. under that transparent umbrella, watching the firework dust fall on the covers we were under.and me sweeping something off yr hair becos of a question u asked. those eyes.. they spoke a language.
yes i remember the songs. streets of london, chasing cars, amazed.
yes i remember the times when we played online games together, laughing and teasing each other.
yes i remember the long conversations we had, talking on the phone till u got caught by yr parents unexpectedly. sorry abt that.
yes i remember the first time i confess to u who i actually liked. u took real long to guess but oh well, u did eventually. btw, i would reckon no one would choose 'sabah' as a girl's name. haha.
yes i remember yr previous hp number. =D
and yes i remember i had to reassure u, but i still love u as u are. even though u hurt me, it was just part and parcel of the entire relationship.
do u remember the time that we went to plaza singapura to do some art-oven-toast-thingy with joan and vanessa? wonder if its still around. cos the clouds looked like egg yolk surrounded with egg whites.
do u remember the time when i went cycling with u? and all u got was a half spoilt bike. and i wore all yellow and u gave me a name. haha. and yes, u hurt yr thumb becos u fell at a bus-stop. it hurt me to see u in pain but i couldnt help u much at that time.
u gave me a whole lot meaning towards life and how i shld face it. how to look at it and not hate it. u gave me a identity, a voice and character. but also broke these 3 attributes when u left.
i know its hard to decide, hesitation and considerations and what not. but ultimately, what u have written to me. does it stand? or does it proves as a great reminder to the past that i so long wish to have continued?
u decide.
its just me.
Y Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Chill
and so it was fun. movie and arcade. and one thing u learn from the movie, nvr get to vegas. cos u FRIGGING get HITCHED. xD
so thats cool and we play KOF 2002. i rock, well at least without the big guy with that imbal ball. lol. and datona(how do ya spell it?!) was crap. i got auto 'drive' in for wheels repair? -.- and i lost by a lap. holy crap. so much for choosing automatic cars. but we had fun. and those bball shoot-outs. okay, we got scam. we had so little balls to shoot into the net. so obviously the score was, well crappy. and time crisis 4 is stupid. -__- firstly, its harder to control and i think the previous version are so much better la. at least u can 'spray'. not like time crisis 4. pathetic is the word for it.
the best 2 movie i guess would be 'what happened in vegas and made of honor'. well didn watch the latter, but seriously both are nice. and well, apparently her juniors 'ps' last minute. so it was me and her only. no show, haha. xD funny thing was, she was right. either way, i would still have started f_____g for her. but jeez, what can i say. been so long since someone actually made me have so much fun. if i think back, i truly regret the times when i neglect paying more attention. but hey, its not too bad now.
and we went to watch a little, as in seriously little la. but we visited this D.I.Y bear shop. cant rmbr the name. and it was cool. i liked a bear there. its called 'patchy' (well according to me, that is) and thn while exiting from the shop, we were checking out this cool elephant and the sale gal came to tell us that froggy was a new design. we walked over and 'roll eyes'.. what kinda toy is that. well, its funny but cool. and she said frogs are not green. well, theoretically, they are green. technically, their yellowish-green. and she said no, frogs are grey. right, isnt that a toad?! LOL.
and so, we went back to the arcade and played KOF again. this time, she used 4 coins and i used 1. which means, i'm good. =D i went back home, and thn i just simply thought abt the chains of events today. it was serious FUN! but hey, i felt a sense of remorse too. if only i had done all those in the past, things wouldnt have turn out like this. while walking around the arcade checking out the games, i was holding onto my blazer and her bag (well, the violent shaking of that stick and the unstoppable hitting of the buttons got me a lil worked out) and it felt all natural, like she was someone real close to me. i had impulses to simply hold her hand but i refrain. see, i'm a nice guy. LOL. jkjk.
so well, that was all that happened that day. its was nice. and well, exciting and adventurous and funny. and dont get to vegas unless u wont get drunk cos u'll propose to with a $1 ring from the vending machine. xD but i've just one question at the end of the day.. can we just go back to the past and start again? i promise never to repeat the same mistake again.
Happy 20th B'day my brother. =D
its just me.
Y Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Riddle
Secret Correspondence
I cannot be satisfied, my Dearest Friend!
blest as i am in the matrimonial state.
unless i pour into your friendly bosom,
which has ever been in unison with mine,
the various deep sensations which swell
with the liveliest emotions of pleasure
my almost bursting heart. i tell you my dear
husband is one of the most amiable of men,
i have been married seven weeks, and
have never found the least reason to
Repent the day that joined us, my husband is
in person and manners far from resembling
ugly, crass, old, disagreeable, and jealous
monster, who think by confining to secure;
a wife, it is his maxim to treat as a
bosom friend and confidant, and not as a
plaything or menial slave, the woman
chosen to be his companion. Neither party
he says ought to be obey implicitly; --
but each yield to the other by turns --
An ancient maiden aunt, near seventy,
a cheerful, venerable, and pleasant lady,
live in the house with us- she is the de-
light of both young and old -she is ci
vil to all the neighbourhood round,
generous and charitable to the poor --
i know my husband loves nothing more
than he does me; flatters me more
than the glass, and his intoxication
(for so i must call the excess of his love)
often makes me blush for the unworthiness
of its object, and i wish i could be more deserving
of the man whose name i bear. To
say all in one word, my dear, and to
Crown the whole, my former gallant lover
is now my indulgent husband, my fondness
is returned, and i might have had
a prince, without the felicity i find with
him. Adieu! May you be as blest as i am un-
able to wish that i could be more
happy.
Y
Dug History
Warning
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no mercy for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety for my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Y
Flipping Through
I Remember, I Remember
I remember, I remember,
The house where I was born,
The little window where the sun
Came peeping in at morn;
He never came a wink too soon,
Nor brought too long a day,
But now, I often wish the night
Had borne my breath away!
I remember, I remember,
The roses, red, white,
The violets, and the lily-cups,
Those flowers made of light!
The lilacs where the robin built,
And where my brother set
The laburnum on his birthday-
The tree is living yet!
I remember, I remember,
Where I was used to swing,
And thought the air must rush as fresh
To swallows on the wing;
My spirit flew in feathers then,
That is so heavy now,
And summer pools could hardly cool
The fever on my brow!
I remember, I remember,
The fir trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky;
It was a childish ignorance,
But now ‘tis little joy
To know I’m farther off from Heav’n
Than when I was a boy.
Y Monday, April 21, 2008
Relight the Fire
geez. my application to NYP failed. totally. anyw, it was half expected. so i guess its now NS and NS for the next 2 year of my life. how boring can it get?
went for my medical checkup on the 16th of april. lols. those medics are sadistic. especially the one that draws ur blood. he filled up 2 tubes. like one tube wasnt enough. blood leechers! and thn i went for the x-ray test. lol. boy was that funny. u had to stand there, facing some dumb stand and wait. thn breathe in and *click*. sorry boy, we need to take again. thn they did it the second time. and they said the 'camera' was faulty. so i had to wait there, half naked. cheap thrill. thn finally it was over. and next stop was the ECG. haha. i had a trainee to check me up. took five of those 'cup scanners' and plug it on ur body to scan i know not what. thn the report came out and say 'cup 5' was loose. and the guy ask his senior what happen cos the 'cups' attached to me were in fact tight. trust me, i was giggling. cos it tickles. so anyw, we got that over and done aft person who were behind me were done. leaving me the joker there alone thn came urine test. lol. seriously, this was funny. cos the instructions in the toilet were misleading. and i wondered for a moment what if we had no urine to excret. are we gonna wait for 2 hours? ><
and the next 2 stupidest test i've taken. the audio test. they required u to place earphones over ur head, and listen for a beeping sound. as soon as u hear it, u're suppose to response to it. so if u hear it on ur left ear, raise ur left hand vice versa. and so i was demonstrating how a puppet move. lols. it went like, left, left, left, right, right ,left. LOL. ironic. and i pass. :D and the next test needs a calculator. yes u mayb have guess it, its maths. seriously, i got so pissed with doing it cos it kept giving me the same qns. i was totally blown off. and their reason was, due to the limited talent pool we have, u are require to take this test to help maximise the shortage of manpower. and i went, 'okay, so how does this help when its all maths?' haha. at one point of time, i was so ANNOYED, i just skip 3 qns and thn i decided, better do them. cos it frigging took everyone at CMPB abt 1h 30mins to just do the test..
and that was it. so its NS and thn probably gonna decide what i've gotta do. i feel so drained. just every week, i look forward to sunday for fellowship and badminton game at night. as for the weekdays, everyone's at sch while i'm being a nice person to work. -.- i'm tire.
relight my fire.
if i could turn back time, i wanna make things right and hold ur hand to tell u. i'm sorry abt the blunder and start anew.
ich lieben dich.
Y Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Finally..
I havent gotten my com repaired. i havent blog my story. i havent decided what i shld do in life. i wonder how NS is like? what my future would be? Whether i'll get married? Will i be rich? Will i be poor? My spiritual faith, where would i be? Would i stay strong and face life with positivity or would i just lose hope and quit holding on? Eliminating the possibilities, i find it funny. mayb thats how life throw lemons at you. hhaha..
At age 18, u feel mature. feel like an adult. wasnt it all our childhood dream to grow up one day and make decisions for ourself? look at it now, i rather be young. i rather stay young. having been in the working world, its alot different from what u're taught in sch and textbook. all that u study in ur textbook teach nothing abt preparing u for work life. it gives knowledge but lack the essence of survival in the working world.
the once innocent me to ignore my parents decision, making decision on my own self is gone. when u're a teen, u probably think ur parents are restricting u from almost everything. buy hey, they just dont want you to suffer. but we still go ahead with it. now me almost being an young adult, u face lots of things. imagine once reaching 21, u have to start deciding on ur own. u have to make plans for ur future. u cant rely on ur parents and say, 'pocket money please'. u would have grown outta it.
and thats not all, in SG we talk abt qualifications. without it, u'll probably be fighting over a cleaner's job. i know it sound hard, but its reality. btw, cleaners are called 'sanitation engineers'. xD so, we move on.. u gotta get ur own apartment. to live in. ur parents would no longer need a mansion to live in. moving out means, bank loans to pay for ur HDB estate. and furniture. and every month, u'll have to pay ur handphone bill, utility bills and if u own a car, ur monthly car installments with over rated interest. ur house phone bill, ur daily allowance have to be think thrice before spending, and mayb groceries?
and if u've got a girlfriend, u've to spend some money when going out. and if u're planning to get married, u'll incurr more bank loans. after which, u still gotta think abt ur descendants. a load to think abt. and not forgetting ur job. u gotta constantly upgrade urself in order to stay in the company. and not forgetting the percentage of retrenchment. and CPF, ur insurance, ur bank account.
with all these to shoulder at age 21 and so forth, phew does it sound hard. we even got to worry abt out health. another added factor to increase our burden cos if any serious illness hits us. there goes ur coffin/burial money. D:
i'd rather stay young. forever.
its just me.
Y Monday, March 3, 2008
Yet Another..
so it was funny to wake up and remember another a dream huh? just yesterday, i went into super random thoughts.. stuff like how would memories in a relationship clash with our feelings.. simply, how will it affect us mentally, physically and emotionally..? and my next qn was how it like to know that the person u love so dearly and u're ready to be married to him isnt ur soulmate? the next qn was, how would rejection feel on a very important date? e.g stand-up on ur valentine date. the last qn is, if jealousy and envy are feelings.. what is love?
dun ask me why i had such thoughts.. i dunno either. today, i've another new thought.. how painful is it to give up the person u had had a crush on for 5 years to ur best friend.. can u bear the pain? how is like to try and help ur best fren woo the guy u like? is it possible to forget the memories with him u had had? can u really give him up whole heartily?
back to my dream.. it was cool. haha. yet another dream. well, this time it didn happen in SG. thats the funny thing..we were there, chatting..thn suddenly it rained.. we were in the park.. so we ran for shelter.. and we stared at each other.. lost at what to do. thn, ur stomach rumbled. haha. that was funny. wondered if i laugh out loud while sleeping. so anyw, i said to get food for u.. and u said no and stuff. cos it was foreign land u see. not really nice to leave someone there alone. and thn, things got bad. well, all dreams are not always sweet, but the ending is! =D and there it was when i returned, were 2 person trying to snatch ur purse away from u. my natural instinct was to save u.. oh well, only manage to scare them off with ur purse.. so i gave chase.. funny thing was, i got back ur purse and turn to realise u were just right behind me.. thn u asked me what happen, and i said.. i hit that guy, push him around and kick him in the stomach. sounds violent right? thn u look at me and i thought the compliments were coming, but thn, u started giggling.. and u said, i was behind u all along. so i asked 'how?' and u move ur body to the left, and pointed.. there was a bike behind u.. which means u had been tailing me all along.. haha. but we laugh over it. becos the 2 man actually tripped over trash.. and dropped the purse when they saw that i was giving chase.. haha. =] thn it was back at the park again. now it was nightfall, and there were stars.. u were sitting beside me.. and thn i was bored and stared at what u were doing.. seeing u smile so sweetly created this 'fire' feeling in me.
i shall not continue.. haha. =D
its just me.
Y Friday, February 29, 2008
Post-work Syndrome
days been passing by.. since january to feburary, CNY, valentine's day etc.. all the events and festive.. with the daily invisible reminder that i'm enlisting into the army soon.. brings me to think about my life and all the memories when freedom was in my hands.
my parents and brother have been to bangkok. independence comes at a high price. its not easy up -keeping the house and trying to control a girl whose reaching her teens. like u know, views clashes and stuff. but at least, i tide it through it.. its funny at how it seems.. i always wanted freedom, but once given, u have a newer sense of 'weight' coming down on u. and thats responsibility. ur everry action affects the way ppl look at u and how u carry urself. its a whole new thing that we as teenager/young adults are given in such short hand of timing. like the saying goes, 'with action comes consequences'.
back to my main thought.. i've been wondering, wont it be nice to have someone by ur side, who shares ur joy, pain and views as you? i mean, havent we all experience times when we think that no one understands us..when, we really wish someone knows how we think, someone who will pat us or hug us and tell us everything will be alright? well, i think we all wish someone who would be with us, someone we can call 'dear'.. but where does it stand?
i once had a experience of this feeling first-hand. at least i got over it.. haha. u see, once i had a crush on this girl.. it was pretty random. so u know i got all really work up and stuff. so i tried to be present at every opportunity to be with her. and guess what, on a dinner date (well not a date, just a dinner thingy) she invited the guy she liked.. and guess what, to nudge me, she stepped on my foot. with heels. -.- oh well.. thn she jerk/tilt her head and eye's arrow to one corner, signaling me to a corner. she told me with her eyes still looking at him, that she likes him.. its a funny feeling. the girl u like, likes another guy and ask u, YOU for advice.. oh i be damn, i helped her. now, they're together. though she always say she owe me one.. i nvr really cared.. its over..
updates of my day today.. one word. boring.. it was really so lame.. woke up, brush teeth, and stare at the walls.. sighs. i'm becoming a old foggy. okay, i guess its time i stop.
its just me..
Y Thursday, January 10, 2008
Lacking Feels
With thoughts comes pain.
With pain comes agony.
With agony comes jealousy.
With jealousy comes hatred.
With hatred comes love.
With love comes fore forbearance.
With forbearance comes patience.
And with patience comes everlasting love.
i lack those..
Y Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Sweetest Thing
10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... Happy New Year! ushering the new year, welcome 2008!! woohoo! *champagne pops, crackers burst and loud screams* so there, the new year is, was and am here. today marks the 2nd day of '08.. phew. lovely. but all i remembered after the midnight clock was watching signs and mr deeds. haha. than, sleep. *snores*
Youth camp has come and gone, Tuao mission trip come and gone.. those really fun moments gone. now sch has started for many, and i'm here, awaiting for my results. sheesh, this is really boring. i felt weird not going to sch today. i've been doing that for 5 years and thn suddenly, high sch life is gone! feels like i'm playing truancy! anyw, youth camp has been a great one. with all the enthusiasm in the skits and all that random phrases! hah.. too cool! *like how cyclops said it* xD
anyw, i really wish i can go for the internship in chiangmai. the cost is really huge though. at least for me, just a teenager. a thousand dun come easy! and its alot of money. i'll be getting the reply if i'm able to go by tonight. oh, and i've a crush on someone. haha. do u guys believe it? =P
speaking of which.. i even had a dream on it. sounds silly, but i shall just type it out. i dunno why but i still rmbr it! =D so here goes. it started just like that. we were on a trip. and i somehow had injured myself. i dunno how. there were 3 of us. 2 girls, and me. 1 of the girl would be the one i like. and thn, i suddenly needed the toilet to rinse the wound. or something like that. and just that instant, the other girl had other business to attend to.. so she ran off first. oh well, u cant leave a poor limping guy alone right? LOL! so she offered to help me to the toilet. entrance only. surprisingly, the toilet was empty. so it was me to big toilet a.k.a comfort room/restroom/gents. and there was i rinsing the wounds and having those small bites as water tickles down ur raw wound. the place we were in was kinda big too.. so poor her had to wait outside for me. cause there wasnt anyone in sight to help me aft i'm done. thn suddenly, BLACK-OUT! or BROWN-OUT! (Tuao style). and she came running leaning her head on my back, like how a kid runs to her dad when she's foreign to something new. the sense of fear. and according to the dream, i simply grip her hands and hug her. i stopped rinsing the wound and thn lead her out. that was how it all started. the rest i wont type it out. haha. its nothing perverted or anything. i can only say, i woke up smiling. i wore that grin the whole day.
so anyw, got to go now peeps. wishing those who are having a major year this year all the best and for the rest, good luck and tidings in ur sch year. haha. i still like that dream. and that smile. its a part of me.
i do like that girl. xD
cheers!
Y
Mission Trip
Hiya peeps! mission accomplished. =D i shall post my view abt the whole trip.
Tuao Mission Journal : 10 days summary Poverty comes as a whole new meaning. Philippines; Tuao has brought forth lots of insight into life perspective and direction. I had always assume poverty to be something like beggars everywhere, run down house, no proper pathway and insect infestations. Only thing I got right was the proper pathway. This trip to Tuao had come as a question and than my view if I wanted to go or not. The entire mission trip purpose was to exposure us to area where people thirst for God’s word but haven’t had the chance to. My initial thought was to just be down at Tuao to have fun with no aim. I took it as a breather to get away from home and the world’s busy schedule. I was pretty much of a adventure sort and am ready to take on challenges. I even contemplate the thought of personal fame when on this mission trip. Like people will take note of me more. However, I learned things the painful way in my trip later on. I must say that I’m really thankful to actually make this trip. The first day of the trip was pretty much thrilling already. Experiencing flying above the clouds made me realized God’s grace and power in the universe. The coach ride from Manila to our first stop Ramon took about 12hours. We reached a resort at around 11pm. Had a short debrief and turn in for the night. That night I simply thought if I really had a motive for coming to this trip. Had I really know the meaning of a mission trip. I slept on that question. But I must say, I struggle with that thought for 4 days. Thankfully, I had my answer on the fifth day. The first VBS we had was really successful. It went really smoothly. We were told that people in the village area were shy as they seldom get visitors visits. But we had a good response. The children there were very eager to participate in what we had installed for them. It was a great encouragement for me as it was the first time I did teaching with such a big group of students. Our first ‘Tuao Youth Team Choir’ singing made me really nervous. I hadn’t attended much of the practices and was pretty much unaware of how I should go about singing or if I actually blend in with the team. However, it turned out really fine. And I’m thankful for it. Praise the Lord! We left early that morning to move on with out trip to Tuao. After about 6 hours of coach ride, we finally reach the place we all had been looking forward to. We receive a warm welcome by the people in Tuao Church of Christ. We had our lunch than moved to the place we’re going to stay on for the other days. That was in Cassily Resort. I was honestly surprise that in a village place would have such a nice place for us to sleep and bathe. I was expecting worst! We had out usual debrief and rested for the night. The next day and so forth, we had VBS done for high schools and elementary schools. All of the schools are really into what we had for them. The last school which was Culung High posts a little problem. And I was really discouraged to go to Culung High because of the various ‘illness’ I had. I had fever on the 4th day, and an insect bit my lips. Causing it to swell, covering half my mouth. I was really upset as that was our last VBS School. I wanted to put in my all. I remember not being able to eat breakfast at all. Not even a small piece of bread. I was really really down. Uncle Jhuma saw me sitting alone at the worship hall. He asked me if anything was wrong. I only nodded because the swelling made it difficult to talk. I really wanted to do everything I could to do the last VBS well. Uncle Jhuma told me that perhaps God had something else planned for me. I still felt upset because I was still unable to do anything to help. I felt useless. Uncle Winston than walked up to me and told me to come along. I was still pondering over whether to go or not. Than I decided, I could still give moral support even if I’m not in the team. So I decided to help take pictures while the team did their VBS. That was when God’s grace manifested. The swelling went down really quick. By 11am, the swell wasn’t really much visible. I took that opportunity to do whatever I could. We had only 1hour before the whole VBS session ended. I was glad to do that little bit. Praise the Lord for his grace. All the glory goes to him. It also made me realize that the purpose of this trip is for His glory and not mine. That was the painful lesson I learned. The padi rice planting also taught me to be appreciative of a plate of rice. Often we fail to understand that every grain of rice is sweat and blood. In Singapore, the luxuries that we have, the technologies we have. We simply take life for granted. Even to the simplest things like having enough water to drink and bathe. The rice planting was back breaking but the view was extremely scenic. The transportations we had were the coolest. Namely the 2 most used are the ‘Jeepnee’ and the ‘Kulilik’. The jeep acts as a mini bus and a kulilik is a tractor like thingy without the shelter above our head. Through rice planting, I learned something else that was important in our daily life and I can safely say most of us lag that quality. Patience. Rice planting is not easy for a start. We have to plant it in a straight line vertically and horizontally. And we were amazed at how fast the farmers moved. They even had a rhythm to it! Way cooler than seeing a random band jamming in Singapore. The mountain hike was another creation of God’s splendor. The waterfalls, the steep climb up, the rocky path, and the cool water. It was really exotic. The ‘lalangs’ were really tall and well, pricky. We even went for a swim! At this little small pool near the waterfall. It was refreshing. Through the mountain hike, I learn that teamwork is important. Without it, the hike would have been a pretty jerky one. We had ‘barbecued’ corns too. It wasn’t really cooked, but 100% edible. Chewy in fact! Than it was time to leave. According to Basil, the mountain hike looked like Lord of the Rings. Haha. Lastly, the more home stays. My partner was Jon Lai. Boy am I glad I had him. According to Uncle Jhuma, the family that we were moving in with was the poorest. The house was small, bed was just leveled ground and insects and rats all around. All I can say is that, I felt really blessed. The house was cozy, bed was ultra cooling and comfortable. The only thing that freaks me out was the insects. Well, at least for the first night only. I woke Jon 3 times in a row for his torchlight. Really sorry Jon! So anyway, the host was really kind. He actually gave us his bed to cramp with his wife on this bed smaller than a single size bed. 2 elderly people giving us the best, and yet we people in Singapore grumbles about everything even to how comfortable the pillow should be! The amount of things we take for granted. If these people were to come to Singapore, I can safely say, all the hospitality certs will go to them. I would take this chance to thank the Pasco’s family for such a delightful experience. What more can I ask for?! Thank You. I’ve learned that contentment and God’s word should be what every individual in this world should be seeking. Often we get too caught up with the world pace that we hadn’t have the time to slow down and think what are we doing to our very own life. In such a fast pace world that where speed is everything, where do we find contentment from? The simplest thing such as owning a handphone or being able to watch TV served as just a mere entertainment. But for the poor, those are luxuries that they would want for just 15mins. I found that I was pretty much happy there in Tuao. I found everything I wanted. Happiness. Before I came for this trip, I was reluctant to give up my comfortable life in Singapore. Even when I was in Tuao, I asked myself how I was going to carry on. I was really worn out. I also learned that this was for God’s glory and not mine. I had depended on my own strength to do the Lord’s word without giving him the glory. As a result, I was drained. The trip has been a really fulfilling one and an enriching one as well. As an encouragement to others who think that mission trips are scary and you have to undergo worst conditions, rest assured. Conditions may not be ideal 5 star hotels, but mission trip is a fun one and it provides you with a closer walk with God. In all, this mission trip has been a real smooth trip and a successful one. Praise the Lord. Amen.
Ta-da.. cmon down to a mission trip to know how its like. =P oh and, wishing u guys a happy belated new year!
Y Friday, November 9, 2007
Settler's Cafe
woah.. exams are ending. one last paper on tues, and its over. come to think of it, actually.. it sucks.
i have no idea wut to do right aft exams.. working not for me. cant possible stay home too. and if i wanna go out, i lag expenses. so.. life simply is, the "BEST"..
anw, ytd, the 2 teams going for the mission trip went for a equipping session. totally realised how much we lag biblical knowledge la. but on a lighter note, we've a lil bit more time to try catch up. its like studying again.. haha. Uncle Cher Yam was totally telling us how much we need to brush up on our knowledge in the bible.. boy, am i lazy. but i'll try..
thn, came the fun part. tuao mission team decided to meet at the settler's cafe for some bonding and stuff.. Holland V it was. the place was awesome. as in the lightings and backdrops.. place was pretty cool. wanted to have some gaming there too.. saw some internet game on display.. but it was a turn off.. there aint no coms there.. so, we settled for board game. but, seriously, its fun..
had a game called 'Citadels'.. a guys game actually. cos the women's got bored.. the game something like stradegy and stuff.. craftiness and being witty. so, we played another game that was called 'Sorta', i think... cant rmbr it. but it was a animal game. first, we all get a house.. thn choose a animal to put in the house. thn make a call name for it. me and jon's were a owl. so out call line was 'hoot howl owl, wuts the time now mr owl?' yupp.. something like that.. so and the conclusion from the game, the snake it the most HEX creature.. rofl. jason team had a cat.. call line was 'meow meow purr, meow meow meow purr, "cat screech"'.. dunno how to spell the cat screech.. anw, yupp. and charmaine had a dog.. rofl. big fight between cat's and dog's literally. they were rivals anyw.. lols. but is was fun.
thn taboo.. cool game.. totally. had fun trying to make up the words. ppl who play taboo before, shld NOT play it.. cos they know the words already.. and it sucks. thn charmaine was telling us this church taboo game.. there was this word called 'triumph'.. and thn someone said, 'the bra brand..' rofl.. it was funny la.. =]
anw, life's been good.. princess leaving today back to Indonesia. geez.. i wan a gift.. waiting for judy's gift from japan too.. haha.. i'm so greedy. anw, peace out.
its just me..
Y Thursday, October 4, 2007
results
prelim results
lols. guess wad, my prelim results sucks. like totally. got a ultra dress down from my biology teacher and history teacher. first time in my life, my bio grades are dropping like rain. o0 that sucks. i nid to brush up before its over.
the only hard fact i cant believe is that michelle got more marks thn me in history! and she was the 'i-dunno-queen' half the year? always asking me how to do and she beat me in my score. so embarrassing. even MK lost to her. like how did she surpass us? geez.
bio was utter disgrace. sonia won me in biology. like omg?! how the heck.. it was UNACCEPTABLE when i heard the news personally from my teacher. =/ thats how much it sucked. even vic won me. =/ this is screwed. but thn again, at least my grades wasnt so bad. just didn get a A1. but but... princess got 91/100 for biology paper. lols. OWNAGE la. somehow or rather, i think she memorize the answer script de. lols. its hard work. and i lack that. -.-"
i fail chi like always again. but its alright. i'm not taking chi anymore. wooo. like the hell i care abt chi anymore. it sucks and probably china shld review making chi their main language. i'll probably learn spanish, jap or korean thn learning chi. chi looks and sounds gibberish. sry emperor QIN. lols.
lastly, i pass CHEMISTRY. u shld see my chem teacher's face. bet he couldnt believe that i pass. always intending to make me fail. lols. loser loser.. wahahaha. i'm so mean. ciao now.
its just me.
without wax.
Y Thursday, September 27, 2007
my view
ok. listen to me. the ERP as most ppl would know is called the Electronic Road Pricing. as the government suggested (like seriously) is to reduce the traffic jams during peak hours. but duhh, look at the facts guys, do we still get traffic congestions? obvious answer. -.-
and the government in this 'dictator' move has decided to increase the amount for ERP charges. can u believe it. they believe that it'll help Singaporeans move their vehicles off the road faster. sit back, and imagine. which Singaporean being the 'Kiasu' type would pay for something and not make full use of it? lols. *examining myself* ^^
according to the LTA, for ppl who live in a shell, LTA stands for Land Transport Authority Of Singapore. sry if i'm offending ppl. i know ppl who nvr realise that SIA is a plane company. anyway, back to the LTA. according to them, traffic congestion affects the overall efficiency and productivity of the economy. somehow or rather, seeing is believing. i dun see a change in jams. LTA mention that the ERP is a key tool to manage congestion. i think its a way to rip us off. one way or the other. no insults to the government obviously. my personal view. in respect to the upcoming years of ERP increase. the ERP was also implemented to encourage ppl to use public transport rather thn their own vehicles. weird point. as such, they gave another point of stating that due to the economy growth, ppl demanding more vehicles or rather, more suitable ones. so and here it is, the ERP would be continually REVIEWED for EFFECTIVENESS, to take into account of the dynamic traffic conditions.
well, u guys may argue the very fact that the ERP does have its uses. however, i think there's more cons thn pros. the ERP may help traffic jams to move a lil faster if Singaporeans were more considerate. on second thoughts, when will that happen? *raised brows* the ERP must be implemented becos if there was a emergency vehicle coming down town and there was a jam, it could possibly risk that poor guy's life. i do agree that the ERP has its uses, but the increase in prices in a fact that i cant accept. jams may delay delivery vans and affect trades and jams waste the limited resource, oil. i know that Tokyo and Seoul have good public transport, but poor at controlling traffic and SG dont wan to follow their footsteps. fair enough.
but wad if. everyone were to follow the government rule and use the public transport, wad would to the car companies? if the companies fail, economy gets pull down as well, trades turnover are lesser too. and as u know, SG depends on exports and trade for their survival. if every Singaporean or rather the majority of them turn over to public transport, thn foreign companies would not want to invest in SG anymore. as in the sale of cars only. and thats a huge lost. but hey, look at this, SG will be named cleanest country all year round. -.- dots.
and since the LTA suggested that the ERP was to improve effectiveness, i'm just wondering. if there is a increase or ERP rates over the years, and traffic jams still occurs? wad are they gonna do? increase the rates higher? seriously. no Singaporean pays for something and no make full use of it. its like buying a wafer to curb that hunger but toss it away. zz.. get wad i mean. and if ERP rates are going higher, congestions will still occur. like i mention, if everyone turns to public transport, we need more buses. and u know bus drivers, are so careful abt the traffic lights. not one of them would risk their license revoke.
so my issue is that, even with the increase of ERP rates, its not going to help clear the traffic congestions. in fact, the government can continue increasing it and thn mayb learn their lesson the hard way. perhaps the population growth incident they tried to reduce, hadnt cause much impact in their policies. i'm not shooting the government of whatsoever. i'm in no position too. just raising some doubt. and look, Singapore is small.. in order to clear traffic, we need more lands. raising the rates wont help much cos Singapore is just simply SMALL.
btw, i dun drive and i dun own a vehicle.
i'm still wondering why i'm talking abt this, but whatever.
its just me.
Y
i'm back
hi peeps... yes, i'm back. but not for long. this is one of the few moments when i can bog. so lets bring some things up to date.
*updating in process*'
ok, sch's been really -.-.. get wad i mean? 58 more days to 'O's. how fun can that get? haha. seriously, i've receive tags abt this blog going inactive. cmon guys, u gotta understand that sch ends nearly 7pm? its really tiring enough not to mention abt coming home and BLOG.. o0
i dun wanna kill myself that soon yet. haha. anyw, some up to dates stuff. um, played in sch's interclass games. basketball and badminton. winning team for interclass in basketball, FIRST!! woo.. we rock. team efforts of cos. badminton is a lil more embarrassing. got 3rd only. >< lols.
than we had the teachers vs student match. basketball, we win the teachers.. wooooo...!! badminton got second for doubles. lols. bottom line, teachers are meant to teach textbook stuff only. cant excel in sports. except the P.E teachers. LOL. kidding. anyw, u shld see the way my chem teacher play. damn funny. i surf him the badminton ball to him, and in his despo attempt, he tried catching it. funny thin was, his a lil round here and there(get wad i mean?), thn he fell like a bowling pin. it was super uber funny. i laughed til i had stomach cramps.
i know, i'm kinda bad to do this to my teachers.. but once in a while, we need such fun? dun u think so? life's been great. things are going rather according to the 'plan'.. haha. well, besides all the good news and fun, there were bad ones as well. the chinese 'O' level results were released and i got D7.. damn.. chi is so -.-.. but nvm, i shall learn from this lessons.
really looking forward church camps. cheers.
its just me.
Y Wednesday, September 5, 2007
life goes on
moving on...
ok, you guys surely look like a pair.
its all too surreal, a mirage. why do i even bother.
its just me.
Y Tuesday, June 26, 2007
my apology
um, i'm really sorry if i had ever mentioned that u like joshua. well maybe its just me. i thought u did. but i nvr pen it down or put it in my blog. i'm not asking you to read behind the lines.
i basically wrote that becos i saw the entry u wrote in yr blog. about how u miss him and how u missed his singing on the phone and his company. and how much u miss him putting chilli into yr mashed potatoes and how heavenly it tasted.
yea sure, somehow i just think it may be simply more than u treating him as a brother. my own assumptions, though i know its wrong. which i'm trying to get it outta of my mind. so yea, a sincere apology. i didn mean to harm you or destroy yr image.
recently, sch started. one word. it sucks. totally. teachers nagging and ranting 1/2 the time. i simply marvel at how fast they can spit their words out and how long their mouth can last. truly amazing. maybe its a rehears speech. practiced during the june hols and now bombarding us with it. must be. but than again, they didn get to scold of nag at us for 1 month. lets all take pity at them and let them rant. though our ears dun deserve such torture, we should at least do something, since they MISSED us so much. haha. =P
anyw, hope u guys are coping fine or at least not experiencing wad i'm going through. weird but funny. haha. anyw, ciao now. really tire. rmbr to read the story.
its just me.
Y Monday, June 25, 2007
my dream
yes it morning. a lil bit too early.
i just woke up crying. dun ask me how. it was becos of a dream. a dream that was really so complete. i... i feel really down. i guess if ask if which is the lowest point of my life, i think this is it.
my dream. was pretty. we were back at the national stadium. u were sitting beside me. and i kinda felt sleepy. so i was dozing off. and suddenly, u doze off first. and fell in my direction. i woke up to see u really tire. i lend u my shoulder. and watching u sleep, i held yr hand. u open yr eyes slowly, and held mine back. than u went back to sleep.
after that, we met up often and walk through fields. green lands and parks. holding yr hand tightly, i knew u were the only girl. i wanted that moment to last forever. than u hugged me. it was sudden, but it was something i treasured as a moment. thn we embrace. i'm not trying to be disgusting, but we embrace. and thereaft, u giggled and ran off. with me chasing you. why dear? =((
thn, i woke up. that dream, was pretty. really nice. i woke up to realised that none of it will ever happen. ur sms saying that 'the feeling is gone.' i felt really hurt. u had stab me twice in the heart and its dead. i really miss the times with you.
i'm a christian. i'm supposed to have believe that God existed. its not that i dun love God. but if God really existed, why make us go through such pain? yes, u argue the fact of trials and tests placed infront of us, but isnt it too much to play around in our relationship? I made a promise with you God. but now, wad are u trying to prove or tell me? u, God, wants me to break my promise? we're not talking abt humans. u're a spiritual being. the superior being. and u wan me to break my promise?
it doesnt make sense. dun bullshit around and tell me u have yr reasons. cos whatever yr reason is, it makes no f***ing sense. (sorry abt the language there) for a God who wants his ppl to honored his promise and go back on it, i seriously cant believe in such shit. call me blasphemy against God. i cant care anymore. totally.
how abt this? God sent his son to died for us. very noble indeed. and he wants us all to go to heaven, made pure through his son blood. so now, we all are christians, and promise to love God only. no 2 masters. and one day, we break our promise. i'm not saying a minority. i'm talking abt the entire world. would God feel hurt? that we break the promise? if he does, than he asking me to break my promise makes no fugly sense.
and God if u are omi-potent and almighty, gimme a reason why u put me through this. dun give me the bullshit to tell that it will make me stronger. bullshit. gimme a answer. u said the heart is the most impt LORD. now, u not only made my heart dead, u made me lost faith in you. totally. God, give me a reason. a reason. u made my heart cry LORD. i'm disgusted by yr presence, LORD.
its just me.
Y
gone again
well, i'm pretty sure u had yr reason for leaving me.
but whatever it is, my promise still stands always. i know i miss you. but i cant do anything abt it. so, i'll love you from a distance.
um, to my angel. really sorry abt such sudden impluses of crazy msg. but i did mean wad i said. maybe it did scare u and kinda made u weary of me. i dun blame you.
anyway guys, pls take care. especially your toe and cough. ich liebe dich.
leumaS eeW was halved, drawn & quartered.
its was just me.
Y
emptiness
hey guys. yes, i'm back.
in response to some of the tags, angii is quite right. the post/blog is growing cobwebs. but at least, i've got a cleaner to come clear it. anyway, how's life guys? um, lijun thanks for the encouragement though. either way, it helped.
so, i believe haraS had fun ytd? BBQ in the rain, or under the pavilion rather. haha. and u played BBall. so unfair. i wan to play la. nvm... its over le anyways. so hearing u updating me abt this weird guy u met and stuff. kinda twisted my stomach. dun ask me why. it just did.
i mentioned it my msg, that i saw the bear and thought abt the past, tears just came down. dun ask me why either. its a 'reflex' action, in accordance to vannessa mak. compliments. funny thing was, i felt isolated while u were msg-ing me. not quite sure why. but it just was. and here i am, stuck at home, doing nothing. so much abt life.
norm ppl will go around blabbering it that wad i mention above was a case of simply jealousy. right guys? i know wad u all weaselys think... good thing is, i'm not one of you. sadly. haha. anyway, it wasnt jealousy, i think. i just felt that i kinda missed her after meeting her like 2 hrs before. call me selfish or self-centered, but i think i just cant do without her.
this has nothing to do with opening my eyes and scouting for other girls. nah.. bullshit. and bullshit happens to be the game i own ppl in. bullshit expert. *self proclaimed - clap pls* back to it, anon (one the taggies on mine tag board) mention that i shld stop trying to think abt her. well anon or whatever yr name is, u dunno her thats why u'll nvr know how it feels like.
maybe its u guys out there in that screwed up world that portrait us guys into such flings and flirts. seriously, maybe its not you. but i can say the large majority of creeps are out there doing that shit. and wad kinda 'manly hood' is that, guys cannot cry? and we cannot have sentimental feelings. wad, that makes us not 'man' enough? bullshit. not all guys are as hardcore as the generalized population in this world.
tell any guy he has to be macho or whatsoever, inside him. there's surely a soft side of him. ladies, pls do not try to think that all guys are jerks. i wont deny that in this 21st century, there are plenty out there. but look on the brighter side. at least there are better ppl out there thn jerks u meet. i'm not talking abt myself in the event that u think i'm publicizing myself.
lastly. i'm not trying to be a absolute sexist trying to abuse verbally any gender biasness among us. i'm just pin pointing the fact that we shld look at a different point of view. and trust me, i'm not a optimistic person, in case u were wondering. in fact, i'm glad to announce that i'm a hypocrite most of the times. but in terms of my love and promise, i'm 100% committed. wadever it is. have fun guys. was it just me feeling this way?
its just me.
Y
the song
My Song: You are Here
In a sorrow space,
In my deepest dreams,
I remember, I remember seeing you
I remember your eyes
I remember your smile
I remember you
In a lonely night,
As I remember, I remember,
I remember hearing you
I remember your words
I remember your breath
I remember you
Chorus:
As i feel cold, I feel cold,
You gave me warm and clothed me with love
As I feel hungry, I feel hungry
You gave me your food; you feed me with life
As I feel down, I feel depressed
You give me hope; you feel me with hope
You are here
In a sorrow space,
In my deepest dreams,
I remember, I remember seeing you
I remember your eyes
I remember your smile
I remember you
Chorus:
When i feel cold, You are here
You shared your warmed; you suffer for me
When I feel hungry, You are here
You give me love and make me feel full
When I am down, You are here
You are here, always here, telling me:
"I'll do anything, almost everything, to protect you."
'END'
Heart-broken
Leumas Eew
Note: This was meant for you, but now.. It doesnt serve a purpose anymore. I love you always.
Thanks and Con Ter Partir
Y Wednesday, June 20, 2007
the happenings.
today was the ultimate boredom. there's nothing to do. hols are over. yet i dun wan it to end. however its getting boring-er each day. gosh. this is stupiid. go online at 8am. go offline at 7pm. pathetic life la. whatever lo.
went online to msn today. saw lijun online. she's lost. lols. okayy, but sadly i cant tell u guys the problem. its a secret. right.. thn i saw my angel. i dunno why, but speaking to her online becomes a split personality. its something like putting on a false front and chat. feels stupiid, am stupiid, and i'm stupiid. maybe i just feel awkward talking to her. ever since so much things happen in this hols, things doesnt fall in place either way.
my fren spoke to me and asked me how many girls have i flirt with. i was like, u son-of-a-b****, the only person i'll flirt with is yr sis and yr mum. sounds kinda cruel. yea. think i lost my cool there. flirt? nah, i didn flirt okayy. i was rather DUMPED.. thats a freaking big difference. besides, which person in the right frame of mind would ever like me? and trust me when i say that, its a PROVEN fact. so quit arguing with me on that issue.
sms-ed her ytd. she misplaced her phone with her 'fren'. so much for fren la. but, he contacted me to ask me how he could contact her or if i could help. natural instincts was, what in the world is her phone doing with u. but who cares. its with him anyway. than so randomly, he asked me what she liked most. that is a stupiid catch phrase on showing how much interest he have in her. i followed up by asking him if he has a interest in her. guys cant lie. serious. he bullshit around, but end up admitting to it. sighs. thn he said i was his love rival becos i told him i liked her too. now that was crappy. who the hell wants him to be a love rival? i dun even consider him that. more like a fren to me. but anything la. whatever lo.
told her abt it. first reaction from her was, his always crappy around. dun take him seriously. i'm kinda guessing that u like him as well and am rejoicing in yr own heart. but whatever la. its you. he mention u treat him as a brother only. well, things will change when time takes over. sighs. once again. a book proven nonetheless. i just dunno wad to do.
god obviously has not come back with a reply. i'm not expecting him to come down personally and tell me the answer. if that happens, its Ragnarök le. haha. the end of the world. but still, i feel raw. i rmbr the promise each time i lay in bed. reminiscing the past and contemplating the future. honestly, the future looks bleak. somehow, everything i ever did backfired. and i'm in the wrong once again. maybe if the world's hatred was targeted at me, it would end my life faster. the faster route to less pain. cool guys..
joan and vanessa are back from Australia. haha. that so cool.. she was saying something abt leeuwin means lion in 'aus MT language'. haha. than she mention that aus ppl love to say things like, 'check it out' , 'what's up dude' , 'that's so cool' , 'yeah man' and the best one was, they love to use 'where the bloody hell are you'. lols. tell that to a SG person and u're in for shit. lols. but its a norm for them. sighs. maybe i'll go Australia someday.
till than guys.
pain was nvr ending. it cuts deeper each day. ='(
Y Tuesday, June 19, 2007
the findings.
yea. so wads if its me? so what if everyone think i was the one who screw it up? fine. let u all just ignore me. dao me. i dun give a damn care anymore. yea. i lose my cool easily. whatever la. if u were ever in my shoes, maybe u would think and hope for a miracle. but i gave up on that. sry.
yesterday, u were out. with the joshua from HCI. yea. bet his quite good looking. or at least, his 1 million times better thn me. i wont deny the fact. the thing i found out was, he likes u as well. and he thinks i'm his love rival. crap. bullshit. i alrdy dun stand a chance. what rival. screw off la. i'm not trying to be crude or talk behind yr back. but sry. the way u put in through me was kinda sarcastic.
he asked me what u liked. very much. isnt it an obvious interest in you? nvm if u dun admit that. u'll probably tell me u treat him as a very great fren, a brother whom u can trust and so on and forth. yea. he so much better la. why even bother. i dun get it. in yr blog. u miss joshua ang. why not u just tell him u like him? isnt it obvious that u have a liking towards him and yet deny it? yea, u'll probably tell me u're not certain and all that. fine. reason accepted.
knowing someone else who likes u. its kinda hard to be gentle with yr words. but who cares. i did it. i spoke gently to the HCI joshua who likes you. that night. i just went straight to bed. and lie there and stare at the ceiling. call me emo call me too sentimental. i dun give a screw damn. i just cried. i just wonder. why me. and thn, i turn to the bear u gave me so lovingly last year during christmas, i simply cried. even as i type this. tears just fall. my keyboard's is wet. i promise bear bear, that i'll take care of it. forever.
i see yr face. yr smile, hear yr laughter. u're the most complete girl i ever met. yet, somethings are just ironic. everything simply painted on the ceiling i was facing. everything. the fireworks and everything. that very qn that u ask. 'is there anything on my hair?' under the umbrella. those eyes. whatever la. anyway, to everyone, i'm just pathetic creep blogging here. i felt hurt ytd. very hurt.
maybe it was just me feeling hurt and you feeling so happy after meeting joshua. but who cares. u're nvr know. i'm very worried abt yr cough. your toe. maybe u cant tell. but its alright. i'lkl just be behind there. helping u. no matter how great the sacrifice.
was it just me?
i felt hurt.
|
