Y Tuesday, June 26, 2007
my apology
um, i'm really sorry if i had ever mentioned that u like joshua. well maybe its just me. i thought u did. but i nvr pen it down or put it in my blog. i'm not asking you to read behind the lines.
i basically wrote that becos i saw the entry u wrote in yr blog. about how u miss him and how u missed his singing on the phone and his company. and how much u miss him putting chilli into yr mashed potatoes and how heavenly it tasted.
yea sure, somehow i just think it may be simply more than u treating him as a brother. my own assumptions, though i know its wrong. which i'm trying to get it outta of my mind. so yea, a sincere apology. i didn mean to harm you or destroy yr image.
recently, sch started. one word. it sucks. totally. teachers nagging and ranting 1/2 the time. i simply marvel at how fast they can spit their words out and how long their mouth can last. truly amazing. maybe its a rehears speech. practiced during the june hols and now bombarding us with it. must be. but than again, they didn get to scold of nag at us for 1 month. lets all take pity at them and let them rant. though our ears dun deserve such torture, we should at least do something, since they MISSED us so much. haha. =P
anyw, hope u guys are coping fine or at least not experiencing wad i'm going through. weird but funny. haha. anyw, ciao now. really tire. rmbr to read the story.
its just me.
Y Monday, June 25, 2007
my dream
yes it morning. a lil bit too early.
i just woke up crying. dun ask me how. it was becos of a dream. a dream that was really so complete. i... i feel really down. i guess if ask if which is the lowest point of my life, i think this is it.
my dream. was pretty. we were back at the national stadium. u were sitting beside me. and i kinda felt sleepy. so i was dozing off. and suddenly, u doze off first. and fell in my direction. i woke up to see u really tire. i lend u my shoulder. and watching u sleep, i held yr hand. u open yr eyes slowly, and held mine back. than u went back to sleep.
after that, we met up often and walk through fields. green lands and parks. holding yr hand tightly, i knew u were the only girl. i wanted that moment to last forever. than u hugged me. it was sudden, but it was something i treasured as a moment. thn we embrace. i'm not trying to be disgusting, but we embrace. and thereaft, u giggled and ran off. with me chasing you. why dear? =((
thn, i woke up. that dream, was pretty. really nice. i woke up to realised that none of it will ever happen. ur sms saying that 'the feeling is gone.' i felt really hurt. u had stab me twice in the heart and its dead. i really miss the times with you.
i'm a christian. i'm supposed to have believe that God existed. its not that i dun love God. but if God really existed, why make us go through such pain? yes, u argue the fact of trials and tests placed infront of us, but isnt it too much to play around in our relationship? I made a promise with you God. but now, wad are u trying to prove or tell me? u, God, wants me to break my promise? we're not talking abt humans. u're a spiritual being. the superior being. and u wan me to break my promise?
it doesnt make sense. dun bullshit around and tell me u have yr reasons. cos whatever yr reason is, it makes no f***ing sense. (sorry abt the language there) for a God who wants his ppl to honored his promise and go back on it, i seriously cant believe in such shit. call me blasphemy against God. i cant care anymore. totally.
how abt this? God sent his son to died for us. very noble indeed. and he wants us all to go to heaven, made pure through his son blood. so now, we all are christians, and promise to love God only. no 2 masters. and one day, we break our promise. i'm not saying a minority. i'm talking abt the entire world. would God feel hurt? that we break the promise? if he does, than he asking me to break my promise makes no fugly sense.
and God if u are omi-potent and almighty, gimme a reason why u put me through this. dun give me the bullshit to tell that it will make me stronger. bullshit. gimme a answer. u said the heart is the most impt LORD. now, u not only made my heart dead, u made me lost faith in you. totally. God, give me a reason. a reason. u made my heart cry LORD. i'm disgusted by yr presence, LORD.
its just me.
Y
gone again
well, i'm pretty sure u had yr reason for leaving me.
but whatever it is, my promise still stands always. i know i miss you. but i cant do anything abt it. so, i'll love you from a distance.
um, to my angel. really sorry abt such sudden impluses of crazy msg. but i did mean wad i said. maybe it did scare u and kinda made u weary of me. i dun blame you.
anyway guys, pls take care. especially your toe and cough. ich liebe dich.
leumaS eeW was halved, drawn & quartered.
its was just me.
Y
emptiness
hey guys. yes, i'm back.
in response to some of the tags, angii is quite right. the post/blog is growing cobwebs. but at least, i've got a cleaner to come clear it. anyway, how's life guys? um, lijun thanks for the encouragement though. either way, it helped.
so, i believe haraS had fun ytd? BBQ in the rain, or under the pavilion rather. haha. and u played BBall. so unfair. i wan to play la. nvm... its over le anyways. so hearing u updating me abt this weird guy u met and stuff. kinda twisted my stomach. dun ask me why. it just did.
i mentioned it my msg, that i saw the bear and thought abt the past, tears just came down. dun ask me why either. its a 'reflex' action, in accordance to vannessa mak. compliments. funny thing was, i felt isolated while u were msg-ing me. not quite sure why. but it just was. and here i am, stuck at home, doing nothing. so much abt life.
norm ppl will go around blabbering it that wad i mention above was a case of simply jealousy. right guys? i know wad u all weaselys think... good thing is, i'm not one of you. sadly. haha. anyway, it wasnt jealousy, i think. i just felt that i kinda missed her after meeting her like 2 hrs before. call me selfish or self-centered, but i think i just cant do without her.
this has nothing to do with opening my eyes and scouting for other girls. nah.. bullshit. and bullshit happens to be the game i own ppl in. bullshit expert. *self proclaimed - clap pls* back to it, anon (one the taggies on mine tag board) mention that i shld stop trying to think abt her. well anon or whatever yr name is, u dunno her thats why u'll nvr know how it feels like.
maybe its u guys out there in that screwed up world that portrait us guys into such flings and flirts. seriously, maybe its not you. but i can say the large majority of creeps are out there doing that shit. and wad kinda 'manly hood' is that, guys cannot cry? and we cannot have sentimental feelings. wad, that makes us not 'man' enough? bullshit. not all guys are as hardcore as the generalized population in this world.
tell any guy he has to be macho or whatsoever, inside him. there's surely a soft side of him. ladies, pls do not try to think that all guys are jerks. i wont deny that in this 21st century, there are plenty out there. but look on the brighter side. at least there are better ppl out there thn jerks u meet. i'm not talking abt myself in the event that u think i'm publicizing myself.
lastly. i'm not trying to be a absolute sexist trying to abuse verbally any gender biasness among us. i'm just pin pointing the fact that we shld look at a different point of view. and trust me, i'm not a optimistic person, in case u were wondering. in fact, i'm glad to announce that i'm a hypocrite most of the times. but in terms of my love and promise, i'm 100% committed. wadever it is. have fun guys. was it just me feeling this way?
its just me.
Y
the song
My Song: You are Here
In a sorrow space,
In my deepest dreams,
I remember, I remember seeing you
I remember your eyes
I remember your smile
I remember you
In a lonely night,
As I remember, I remember,
I remember hearing you
I remember your words
I remember your breath
I remember you
Chorus:
As i feel cold, I feel cold,
You gave me warm and clothed me with love
As I feel hungry, I feel hungry
You gave me your food; you feed me with life
As I feel down, I feel depressed
You give me hope; you feel me with hope
You are here
In a sorrow space,
In my deepest dreams,
I remember, I remember seeing you
I remember your eyes
I remember your smile
I remember you
Chorus:
When i feel cold, You are here
You shared your warmed; you suffer for me
When I feel hungry, You are here
You give me love and make me feel full
When I am down, You are here
You are here, always here, telling me:
"I'll do anything, almost everything, to protect you."
'END'
Heart-broken
Leumas Eew
Note: This was meant for you, but now.. It doesnt serve a purpose anymore. I love you always.
Thanks and Con Ter Partir
Y Wednesday, June 20, 2007
the happenings.
today was the ultimate boredom. there's nothing to do. hols are over. yet i dun wan it to end. however its getting boring-er each day. gosh. this is stupiid. go online at 8am. go offline at 7pm. pathetic life la. whatever lo.
went online to msn today. saw lijun online. she's lost. lols. okayy, but sadly i cant tell u guys the problem. its a secret. right.. thn i saw my angel. i dunno why, but speaking to her online becomes a split personality. its something like putting on a false front and chat. feels stupiid, am stupiid, and i'm stupiid. maybe i just feel awkward talking to her. ever since so much things happen in this hols, things doesnt fall in place either way.
my fren spoke to me and asked me how many girls have i flirt with. i was like, u son-of-a-b****, the only person i'll flirt with is yr sis and yr mum. sounds kinda cruel. yea. think i lost my cool there. flirt? nah, i didn flirt okayy. i was rather DUMPED.. thats a freaking big difference. besides, which person in the right frame of mind would ever like me? and trust me when i say that, its a PROVEN fact. so quit arguing with me on that issue.
sms-ed her ytd. she misplaced her phone with her 'fren'. so much for fren la. but, he contacted me to ask me how he could contact her or if i could help. natural instincts was, what in the world is her phone doing with u. but who cares. its with him anyway. than so randomly, he asked me what she liked most. that is a stupiid catch phrase on showing how much interest he have in her. i followed up by asking him if he has a interest in her. guys cant lie. serious. he bullshit around, but end up admitting to it. sighs. thn he said i was his love rival becos i told him i liked her too. now that was crappy. who the hell wants him to be a love rival? i dun even consider him that. more like a fren to me. but anything la. whatever lo.
told her abt it. first reaction from her was, his always crappy around. dun take him seriously. i'm kinda guessing that u like him as well and am rejoicing in yr own heart. but whatever la. its you. he mention u treat him as a brother only. well, things will change when time takes over. sighs. once again. a book proven nonetheless. i just dunno wad to do.
god obviously has not come back with a reply. i'm not expecting him to come down personally and tell me the answer. if that happens, its Ragnarök le. haha. the end of the world. but still, i feel raw. i rmbr the promise each time i lay in bed. reminiscing the past and contemplating the future. honestly, the future looks bleak. somehow, everything i ever did backfired. and i'm in the wrong once again. maybe if the world's hatred was targeted at me, it would end my life faster. the faster route to less pain. cool guys..
joan and vanessa are back from Australia. haha. that so cool.. she was saying something abt leeuwin means lion in 'aus MT language'. haha. than she mention that aus ppl love to say things like, 'check it out' , 'what's up dude' , 'that's so cool' , 'yeah man' and the best one was, they love to use 'where the bloody hell are you'. lols. tell that to a SG person and u're in for shit. lols. but its a norm for them. sighs. maybe i'll go Australia someday.
till than guys.
pain was nvr ending. it cuts deeper each day. ='(
Y Tuesday, June 19, 2007
the findings.
yea. so wads if its me? so what if everyone think i was the one who screw it up? fine. let u all just ignore me. dao me. i dun give a damn care anymore. yea. i lose my cool easily. whatever la. if u were ever in my shoes, maybe u would think and hope for a miracle. but i gave up on that. sry.
yesterday, u were out. with the joshua from HCI. yea. bet his quite good looking. or at least, his 1 million times better thn me. i wont deny the fact. the thing i found out was, he likes u as well. and he thinks i'm his love rival. crap. bullshit. i alrdy dun stand a chance. what rival. screw off la. i'm not trying to be crude or talk behind yr back. but sry. the way u put in through me was kinda sarcastic.
he asked me what u liked. very much. isnt it an obvious interest in you? nvm if u dun admit that. u'll probably tell me u treat him as a very great fren, a brother whom u can trust and so on and forth. yea. he so much better la. why even bother. i dun get it. in yr blog. u miss joshua ang. why not u just tell him u like him? isnt it obvious that u have a liking towards him and yet deny it? yea, u'll probably tell me u're not certain and all that. fine. reason accepted.
knowing someone else who likes u. its kinda hard to be gentle with yr words. but who cares. i did it. i spoke gently to the HCI joshua who likes you. that night. i just went straight to bed. and lie there and stare at the ceiling. call me emo call me too sentimental. i dun give a screw damn. i just cried. i just wonder. why me. and thn, i turn to the bear u gave me so lovingly last year during christmas, i simply cried. even as i type this. tears just fall. my keyboard's is wet. i promise bear bear, that i'll take care of it. forever.
i see yr face. yr smile, hear yr laughter. u're the most complete girl i ever met. yet, somethings are just ironic. everything simply painted on the ceiling i was facing. everything. the fireworks and everything. that very qn that u ask. 'is there anything on my hair?' under the umbrella. those eyes. whatever la. anyway, to everyone, i'm just pathetic creep blogging here. i felt hurt ytd. very hurt.
maybe it was just me feeling hurt and you feeling so happy after meeting joshua. but who cares. u're nvr know. i'm very worried abt yr cough. your toe. maybe u cant tell. but its alright. i'lkl just be behind there. helping u. no matter how great the sacrifice.
was it just me?
i felt hurt.
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