Y Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Hmm
much expected as i'd known. is it by human nature that we often do things even if we know that its pointless or hopeless?
i think we care too much abt trying to impress or leave a impression with others that we lose ourself in the midst of doing so. i'd probably gone insane reading the letter umpteen times.
i'd guess that was the only thing that occupy my head. or whatever is in it. throw a ball, toss it or fling it, i wont tell the diff. becos i'm all too busy to care abt what others do.
all i know now is, i'm sitting right infront of my com, wondering if i shld just imagine my past continuing.
and as the seconds tick away, i feel myself being pulled further and further away.
what had becos so close have become so distant.
what was within reach just turn to fog, like smoke, unable to grab and hold on tight.
its a human mind to make illusion/mirage or hallucinate things when we desire them so much. but part of ourselves know that its fake.
yet we continue to lie to ourself for fear of feeling hurt.
i guess i've to put up with the pain again.
being heartbroken is painful.
but we get used to it.
numb.
its just me.
Y
Memories
its increasingly hard to get through a day in NS. with the routine ever the same when the primarily objective is probably teken u. but still, i pulled through the days with my life as a civilian. i means those times when i smiled and was the happiest.
something has been weighing down on my mind since cupcake wrote the letter to me, and to even have it posted on the blog. just reading it brings tears. dont ask me how but its a reflex as science would call it. im not going too emotional but its been almost some time since i had this butterfly-in-stomach feeling. it took me one year to get over the pain of losing you. one year. i didn forget anything abt you. when i had time, i always wrote in my little black book. but i lost that book since.
sometime in my life, memories of you simply flood into my mind. for that past year, it was hard to focus studying when iu played such important role in my life. it was just me either doodling your name on my doremon pencil box, writing your name and connecting them together like word play or just gazing blankly into the air wondering what life would be like if u were still with me. but that year, it just occurred to me that u had put your foot down to resolved yourself to studying and netball. the world continued with its pace, including u. but i stopped dead in my tracks. becos i knew, i was suffocating.
but i didn care. half of me just wanted to give up. the other half wants to fight on. but i was mentally drain by then. that was when staring at walls, not looking at people in the eye was the best thing to do. becos if u actually look at my eyes in the past year, u would know the pain, sadness and sorrow that i have bottled inside me. i still dont look at people in the eyes till today. becos there's a part of me still filled with regret.
sometimes the only thing u can do with regret is just to tell yourself never to let it happen again. but mostly, u want to blame the regret to someone else. it was painful to have u leaving me. but on hindsight, i learned that being too over-concerned, sensitive, or being a GPS is not an ideal thing to be. it leaves your soulmate/frens tighten around your belt.
and that was when closing to Christmas last year, i finally loosen the belt. i knew it was time for u to go. becos keeping u here with me, fills me with pain even when u already have released yourself from bondage. all i can say is, i never expected that letter, or u ever writing it. i dont expected a apology or anything.
all i just remember was when u called and u told me 'ich lieben dich' to me over the phone. impulsive i would guess. but i soon learn the real meaning. even this blog add is the same word.
ich lieben dich forever.
i said it.
and i meant it.
i kept it with me.
cos i had always remember.
what forever means.
always.
its just me.
Y Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Reply
Dear Cupcake,
thanks for the letter u wrote to me. red is fine, just that its hard to read while walking. haha. anw, im honored to have u writing to me at the least expected moments. =D thanks!
yes i remember the first time i met u. blue overall, and i wore beige pants and yellow long sleeve folded to my elbows. was speaking to uncle winston too. =D
yes i remember the first time i went to the NDP with u. under that transparent umbrella, watching the firework dust fall on the covers we were under.and me sweeping something off yr hair becos of a question u asked. those eyes.. they spoke a language.
yes i remember the songs. streets of london, chasing cars, amazed.
yes i remember the times when we played online games together, laughing and teasing each other.
yes i remember the long conversations we had, talking on the phone till u got caught by yr parents unexpectedly. sorry abt that.
yes i remember the first time i confess to u who i actually liked. u took real long to guess but oh well, u did eventually. btw, i would reckon no one would choose 'sabah' as a girl's name. haha.
yes i remember yr previous hp number. =D
and yes i remember i had to reassure u, but i still love u as u are. even though u hurt me, it was just part and parcel of the entire relationship.
do u remember the time that we went to plaza singapura to do some art-oven-toast-thingy with joan and vanessa? wonder if its still around. cos the clouds looked like egg yolk surrounded with egg whites.
do u remember the time when i went cycling with u? and all u got was a half spoilt bike. and i wore all yellow and u gave me a name. haha. and yes, u hurt yr thumb becos u fell at a bus-stop. it hurt me to see u in pain but i couldnt help u much at that time.
u gave me a whole lot meaning towards life and how i shld face it. how to look at it and not hate it. u gave me a identity, a voice and character. but also broke these 3 attributes when u left.
i know its hard to decide, hesitation and considerations and what not. but ultimately, what u have written to me. does it stand? or does it proves as a great reminder to the past that i so long wish to have continued?
u decide.
its just me.
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