Memories
its increasingly hard to get through a day in NS. with the routine ever the same when the primarily objective is probably teken u. but still, i pulled through the days with my life as a civilian. i means those times when i smiled and was the happiest.
something has been weighing down on my mind since cupcake wrote the letter to me, and to even have it posted on the blog. just reading it brings tears. dont ask me how but its a reflex as science would call it. im not going too emotional but its been almost some time since i had this butterfly-in-stomach feeling. it took me one year to get over the pain of losing you. one year. i didn forget anything abt you. when i had time, i always wrote in my little black book. but i lost that book since.
sometime in my life, memories of you simply flood into my mind. for that past year, it was hard to focus studying when iu played such important role in my life. it was just me either doodling your name on my doremon pencil box, writing your name and connecting them together like word play or just gazing blankly into the air wondering what life would be like if u were still with me. but that year, it just occurred to me that u had put your foot down to resolved yourself to studying and netball. the world continued with its pace, including u. but i stopped dead in my tracks. becos i knew, i was suffocating.
but i didn care. half of me just wanted to give up. the other half wants to fight on. but i was mentally drain by then. that was when staring at walls, not looking at people in the eye was the best thing to do. becos if u actually look at my eyes in the past year, u would know the pain, sadness and sorrow that i have bottled inside me. i still dont look at people in the eyes till today. becos there's a part of me still filled with regret.
sometimes the only thing u can do with regret is just to tell yourself never to let it happen again. but mostly, u want to blame the regret to someone else. it was painful to have u leaving me. but on hindsight, i learned that being too over-concerned, sensitive, or being a GPS is not an ideal thing to be. it leaves your soulmate/frens tighten around your belt.
and that was when closing to Christmas last year, i finally loosen the belt. i knew it was time for u to go. becos keeping u here with me, fills me with pain even when u already have released yourself from bondage. all i can say is, i never expected that letter, or u ever writing it. i dont expected a apology or anything.
all i just remember was when u called and u told me 'ich lieben dich' to me over the phone. impulsive i would guess. but i soon learn the real meaning. even this blog add is the same word.
ich lieben dich forever.
i said it.
and i meant it.
i kept it with me.
cos i had always remember.
what forever means.
always.
its just me.
