Y Monday, June 25, 2007
my dream
yes it morning. a lil bit too early.
i just woke up crying. dun ask me how. it was becos of a dream. a dream that was really so complete. i... i feel really down. i guess if ask if which is the lowest point of my life, i think this is it.
my dream. was pretty. we were back at the national stadium. u were sitting beside me. and i kinda felt sleepy. so i was dozing off. and suddenly, u doze off first. and fell in my direction. i woke up to see u really tire. i lend u my shoulder. and watching u sleep, i held yr hand. u open yr eyes slowly, and held mine back. than u went back to sleep.
after that, we met up often and walk through fields. green lands and parks. holding yr hand tightly, i knew u were the only girl. i wanted that moment to last forever. than u hugged me. it was sudden, but it was something i treasured as a moment. thn we embrace. i'm not trying to be disgusting, but we embrace. and thereaft, u giggled and ran off. with me chasing you. why dear? =((
thn, i woke up. that dream, was pretty. really nice. i woke up to realised that none of it will ever happen. ur sms saying that 'the feeling is gone.' i felt really hurt. u had stab me twice in the heart and its dead. i really miss the times with you.
i'm a christian. i'm supposed to have believe that God existed. its not that i dun love God. but if God really existed, why make us go through such pain? yes, u argue the fact of trials and tests placed infront of us, but isnt it too much to play around in our relationship? I made a promise with you God. but now, wad are u trying to prove or tell me? u, God, wants me to break my promise? we're not talking abt humans. u're a spiritual being. the superior being. and u wan me to break my promise?
it doesnt make sense. dun bullshit around and tell me u have yr reasons. cos whatever yr reason is, it makes no f***ing sense. (sorry abt the language there) for a God who wants his ppl to honored his promise and go back on it, i seriously cant believe in such shit. call me blasphemy against God. i cant care anymore. totally.
how abt this? God sent his son to died for us. very noble indeed. and he wants us all to go to heaven, made pure through his son blood. so now, we all are christians, and promise to love God only. no 2 masters. and one day, we break our promise. i'm not saying a minority. i'm talking abt the entire world. would God feel hurt? that we break the promise? if he does, than he asking me to break my promise makes no fugly sense.
and God if u are omi-potent and almighty, gimme a reason why u put me through this. dun give me the bullshit to tell that it will make me stronger. bullshit. gimme a answer. u said the heart is the most impt LORD. now, u not only made my heart dead, u made me lost faith in you. totally. God, give me a reason. a reason. u made my heart cry LORD. i'm disgusted by yr presence, LORD.
its just me.
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